Trigger Activated Stuckness

Oh great... I"m stuck again. 

Memories flooding back. Emotions on the rise. Tears often enough that it's unsettling.

Triggers can create this sense of being stuck from an old event or old emotions. It's not a bad thing, it's just something that needs your attention and until those feelings or memories get the attention they need, the stuckness won't go away.

This happened to me this past week. It was my Skye's 8th birthday! :D Yay Skye!! Such an incredible feeling that my little angel has grown and become such an amazing person... and is freaking 8 years old!

(Okay, I'll stop with all of the exclamation points.) ;)

As much as Skye's birthday has the focus of him having fun, enjoying the people he holds dear and opening some presents while eating cake, it's a major trigger for me.

I have worked really hard to release the anger, resentment, guilt and loss that was wrapped around the birth of my baby. It has taken a lot to not let all of the stuff that happened for us come flooding back days before his birthday. I used to feel numb or overly emotional for a week ahead of that day. Now it seems to only be a day or two where I really have to be mindful of my thoughts and where my emotions want to take me.

You might be thinking that time has healed parts of this. For me, I don't think so. It's all the work that I consciously put into moving with and growing from the experiences.

As a parent who has watched their baby struggle for their life, been blessed to graduate from the NICU and then had an influx of appointments, worries, wonderings and fears, it's not just the day of his birth that triggers me. It's months, if not a year, of "those memories" to work through. That's what all the extra work is about. That's what used to cause me to get stuck all the time. And that's what I DO NOT want to pass on to Skye.

This week I recognized the signs within myself that were creating a sense of stuckness - elevated anxiety, not wanting to be alone, inability to focus well, etc. Knowing those signs within oneself is a powerful tool, and often we need help in the beginning to recognize those signs.

Waltzing with the stuck feelings and bringing in the other ways of thinking; knowing that you have another side to your thoughts and to the memories that are coming through, can help bond you to the reality that is in front of you. At least, that's where I've gotten to. And I'm really grateful.

Crying still happens. 
Looking at him while he's sleeping and remembering that little three and a half pounder happens.
Remembering my fear from that night, still happens.
But it doesn't control me anymore.
I have the power.

I have the power to know when I need to hold myself in a compassionate Light and give myself the Love I would give a client or someone telling me their NICU story. I have the power to say it's okay to cry and then look around and let Skye be my teacher yet again, in the present moment. 

Triggers happen. Events occur and getting stuck is frustrating. Dancing with the waves and building strength along the way makes everything seem a bit more freeing.

I Love you, always,
Leanne Rose